Highlights
- Kirthi and Anita got married in April in a traditional Hindu ceremony in Melbourne
- She feared coming out to her family for fear of losing them, but later found support
- Hindu wedding celebrant Pandit Rami Sivan conducted the rituals customised for same-sex couples
The year 2021 will go down as a memorable year in Kirthi Shekar’s life.
When she started planning her wedding this year, she wanted a traditional Indian wedding ceremony with the whole shebang – colourful sarees and ornaments, garlands, mantras, a homam (Hindu ritual with fire and offerings) and blessings from all her close relatives and friends.
Kirthi, who always wants to serve people, studied medicine and became a doctor. A GP practicing in skin cancer medicine, Kirthi migrated to Australia from India after her second birthday along with her mother and brother.
“My father was killed while coming to see me after my birth,” she recalls.
After settling in Melbourne, Kirthi’s mother, Sivakami Shekar took up studies, started working and raised her children.
When Kirthi finished her studies, her mother began to find a groom for her all over the world.
But Kirthi thought differently.
“Even after trying to be a part of this process for many years, I did not feel comfortable in selecting a male life partner for myself and realised that something is not right and somehow, I don't fit into this process,” she told SBS Tamil.
But her mother’s search continued. She just wanted a “suitable groom” for her beloved daughter.
Slowly, Kirthi began to realise that she is attracted to women and wanted to disclose this to her family.
But it seemed so daunting for Kirthi as she feared that she may lose her family.
Eventually, I decided to tell my mum because I wanted her to stop finding a groom for me
When Kirthi found a companion she was happy with, she decided to tell her mother.
She recollects that when she told her mother that her companion was a woman named Anita, it came as a shock for everyone in her family.
“It was hard to accept at first but later, I decided to support my daughter because who else would,” Sivakami said.
"She tried to fullfill all my desires and was adamant that I shouldn’t be treated any differently from others," Kirthi said about her mother.
Kirthi’s stepfather initially struggled to accept her decision and started worrying about her. Kirthi's brother Niranjan helped her parents understand that same-sex attraction has existed for a long time and is relatively common in society. Eventually it was the unconditional love they have for their daughter which ultimately led them to support her.
After dating Anita, a psychologist, for more than five years, when the couple decided to get married, they wanted a traditional Hindu wedding ceremony.
While preparing for the Hindu wedding, they realised an essential element – a priest – was still missing. Ultimately, Sivakami found Pandit Rami Sivan, who agreed to be a marriage celebrant for their union.
In Australia, same-sex marriage has been legal since 2017.
Source: Bhargav Boppa Photography
“After same-sex marriage was made legal in 2017, I started receiving calls from people enquiring if I can be a same-sex marriage celebrant. I then started making changes to Hindu wedding rituals, like some omissions to rituals which can’t be performed. Before the ceremony, I discuss that with the couple and their families,” Pandit Rami Sivan told SBS Tamil.
In April this year, with the sacrificial fire as a witness, Kirthi and Anita took their marriage vows in front of their immediate family and friends, with their extended families watching on Zoom across the world.
Pandit Rami Sivan had the young couple perform most of the usual Hindu rituals such as taking the seven vows, garlanding each other and putting the thali (ceremonial necklace that symbolises marriage) around each other’s neck.
“The seven steps, also known as seven vows, signify respect, commitment and love for each other and the future children,” said Pandit Rami Sivan who is known in the community for his explanation of Hindu wedding rituals.
Source: Bhargav Boppa Photography
Kirthi says that she is grateful and indebted to her mother for giving her the wedding of her dreams.
“As a same-sex couple, we were not taking anything away from the tradition of it all. Our hope is that the more frequently it happens, the more it will get accepted,” said Kirthi.
Engaging in a healthy discussion on same-sex marriage will create a positive impact on society
Sivakami says that parents should understand their child, their necessities and support them.
After their wedding, Kirthi and Anita are currently living in Queensland, where they hope to have a civil ceremony soon. For now, two puppies make up their family, and they plan to have children later.
If you are not sure how to go about coming out, Kirthi recommends , which has free online counselling.
“While I am staying positive and confident about my decision, there are many more challenges to face,” says Kirthi with a smile.
Listen to SBS Tamil at 8pm on Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays on SBS Radio 2.
