Julie* used to spend some of her nights sleeping in the car. For her, that was the only way she could get some sleep.
She was being abused by her 12-year-old son.
“He would use extension cables to whip me, never in my face though. We had to hide the knives and screwdrivers because he would threaten to use those on us,” she told The Feed.
Julie was a victim of domestic violence inflicted by her child. Professionals describe her experience as ‘children who use violence in the home’.
“We understand adolescent violence in the home as behaviours or patterns of behaviours by a young person that’s designed to intimidate and coerce their parents and other family members,” Jo Howard told The Feed.
“It's really about young people using controlling behaviours to get the parents [or guardians] to give them what they want.
“When we talk about adolescents, we're talking about someone aged between the age of 10 to 18 years.”
Joanne Howard is an expert in the area of children using violence at home. Source: The Feed
Jo Howard is an expert in the area, having led and been part of several research projects, exploring adolescent violence in the home.
“We see adolescent family violence occurring across all sorts of demographics across all cultures and across all sorts of family types, and we do absolutely see it occurring with young people from more privileged families, from higher socioeconomic groups,” she said.
Julie lives in a middle to upper-class suburb in Melbourne.
Julie said her son was very lucky growing up, having the opportunity to travel to Europe on several occasions and even had the chance to visit Thailand and Vietnam.
“He’s an only child so he was always very attached to me, he had separation anxiety,” she said.
“He and I were very close, he would help me cut up veggies in the kitchen, with a kids’ knife of course.
“I taught him to shop for bargains while we were doing groceries and he even got better at the bargain hunt than me.”
Actress portrays Julie at home: where she has experienced violence from her 12-year-old. Source: The Feed
She described him as an independent child who would tag along with her to museums and art galleries.
But when Ryan* transitioned into his first year of high school at age 12, Julie said it was almost like a switch flicked, and her loving son became unrecognisable.
She described Ryan’s behaviour changing at first by him staying out late at night. Then it started to turn physical and manipulative.
“We didn’t know how to react as parents so we came down hard and shut the internet off for six months. There was a gaming addiction there and he would take his iPad down the shops,” she said.
“In return, he locked us out of the house, that was his way of taking back some of the control.”
Julie said her son had separation anxiety. (Image shows actress) Source: The Feed
Julie said the situation only escalated from there.
“My son and partner got physical with each other, he would try to king-hit his dad,” she said.
“I would be bitten constantly and would walk around with bruises from that.”
But none of that compares to a moment engrained in Julie’s mind.
“The most terrifying moment was when I was wearing a scarf one morning,” she said.
“I don’t think he wanted to go to school that day.
“He pulled the scarf at either end to tighten it around my throat, it strangled me and as a reaction, I pushed him back in self-defence. I cried all the way to work that morning.”
Actress is shown with a scarf. Julie claims her son once tried to strangle her with one. Source: The Feed
She said that night, Ryan cried in her arms over what he had done.
“When he was in those rages, looking into his eyes I felt anger, and I saw the fear in his eyes, he was scared for himself, he was scared of what he was doing I think but he couldn’t control it,” she said.
Ms Howard said Julie’s situation is one of the most common forms of adolescent violence in the home. She said the average of adolescents using violence at home is 15 and that two-thirds are male.
“We also know that overwhelmingly the victims' survivors are mothers,” she said.
For Julie, her son's behaviour lasted a year: a year she looks back on and can’t believe they had ever gone down that road.
Ms Howard said Julie’s situation is not uncommon among those who experience violence from children. Source: The Feed
The “shame” in seeking help
Julie didn’t seek help right away and said she initially felt “judged” and “responsible” for her child’s behaviour.
“I knew I was a good parent… but sometimes I felt like I was inadequate and had done something wrong, and yes there were points where I did feel like a failure of a parent.”
“There is a lot of shame involved, and a lot of people don’t talk about their troubled kids.”
But Julie is not alone.
Ms Howard said many families suffer in silence because parents and guardians don’t want to be viewed by the wider population as failed parents.
“Many mothers I've worked with have talked about feeling this incredible sense of shame and embarrassment, which means that they're not readily accessing services.”
Ms Howard said part of her fundamental work with parents and guardians is helping to release some of that stigma.
“It's really important to be really clear in our messaging, that a parent isn't to blame for their child using violence and to be able to really use a strengths-based approach,” she said.
“So we can really help the parent to understand why the violence is occurring and to learn strategies.”
Finding help
Julie said when she first started looking for help three years ago, there was little to no information readily available.
” I didn’t know what sort of assistance to get or what would help us so I rang the school, I rang councillors, social workers, anyone I could,” she said. 
Julie says she got help and now her son is back to "normal". (Actress shown in image) Source: The Feed
Julie and her partner attended group counselling sessions with Anglicare Victoria, where the pair learned new parenting skills. Their sessions went for a year.
“In that room with those other parents, there’s no stigma, no shame, we are all working through our emotions together,” she said
Since learning those skills, Julie said her son is back to his normal, fun-loving self.
Julie encourages other people who are experiencing adolescent family violence to speak out and get help.
“I want to see the community getting together and starting these conversations,” she said.
“People need to know it is a universal problem, we need to also stop blaming the parents, these things happen and we need to be more supportive of one another.
”If you or someone you know is in immediate crisis, please call police and ambulance on 000.
*Name changed to protect individual's identity
If you or someone you know is impacted by sexual assault or family violence, call 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732 or visit www.1800RESPECT.org.au. In an emergency, call 000.
Men who are seeking help for abusive and violent behaviour towards women and families can contact the Men's Referral Service on 1300 766 491.
For further help, contact Lifeline on 13 11 14, Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636 or Kids Helpline on 1800 551 800.
